30 Before 30: #10 Go Sledging

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If you’re daft enough to follow me on Twitter (and if you don’t, you should. I’m really very good at Twittering), you’ll know that on Friday and Saturday I was sulking because even though it was snowing in the UK, it hadn’t snowed enough for me to go sledging. To be more accurate – it had snowed enough to facilitate sledging almost everywhere else, but not where I live.

Sledging is one of my 30 before 30. It’s not that I haven’t been sledging before, I have – I did lots of sledging when I was a kid and when it used to snow lots. But that’s exactly the point. Maybe, when I was younger, I assumed that it would snow every year, and every year I could go sledging. Maybe I never quite realised that sometimes, it wouldn’t snow at all. And maybe I failed to realise that as I grew up, sledging would become much less of a priority and that there would even come a time where I might be considered “too old” to go sledging. Somehow, I’d never factored any of this in.

The last time I remember going sledging was with my brother in a nearby field. We built ramps out of the snow and even though I was so cold I felt like my fingers were going to drop off (despite the gigantic mittens my mum had sent me outside with), it was the most fun ever and it’s one of my fondest childhood memories.

After that, there was a bit of a snow lull for quite a few years. I mean it would get cold, it would get icy, it might even snow but it was only ever an icing-sugar dusting and would be gone again within a day or so.

Childhood disappeared, quickly followed by my teens and as I hit my twenties I realised I was growing up and there wouldn’t be another opportunity to go sledging, y’know because, I was becoming an “adult”. Worse still, I wouldn’t be able to go sledging with my brother in the field near our house because he was already an adult. A proper one. With a job and everything. Also, my parents had moved house so we didn’t live near that field anymore. And also the sledge went to a charity shop when my parents moved house. All things considered, it didn’t look I was going to go sledging ever again.

So I just got on with being a grown up. Soon, I had a job and paid taxes and went to the supermarket for my weekly shop and did things like report the faulty boiler to the landlord. Maturity brings a certain amount of responsibility. The older you get, the more responsibilities you get. The more responsibility you get, the less childish amazing fun stuff you can do. That’s just science.

Responsibility graph

Then, when I was in my mid-twenties, we had two really snowy winters. It was so snowy in both of those years, that I landed a WHOLE DAY off work in each year.

But I did not go sledging.

Perhaps, by this point, I’d admitted defeat. I must have waited twenty years for it to snow enough to go sledging with my brother and now we were adults and it wasn’t going to happen. So I just stayed home and watched DVDs.

Then we had a couple snow-free winters, and I kept catching myself looking out of the window and hoping it would snow enough to go sledging. So when I wrote my 30 before 30 list, I decided that ‘going sledging’ should definitely go on there. If it snowed again before I was 30, I would definitely go sledging and just get it out of my system.

So, fast-forward to Sunday. The light spattering of snow we’d had here was already disolving into a grey, icy mush. It looked very much like another sledge-free winter was going to pass me by.

Then my friend (also called Jo)and I arranged to take our dogs for a walk in a small town near the pennines… Where there was substantially more snow. “Shall I bring the sledge?” she asked.

This is all very mathmatical and complicated, so please consult the equation below:

Snow equation

Finally, I went sledging.

And I was chased my puppy Izzy (the one wearing a high-visibility dog coat) and my friend Jo’s dog, Dillon (the dog shaped one).

Sledging with dogs


If You Haven’t Got an iPhone…

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I’ve been considering my career options lately and I’ve discovered that maybe I’m not just limited to aspiring writer. With my background in wordsmithing I could work in marketing. Or better yet, I could work in advertising. I could work in advertising and make a total killing. And all I’d have to do is make smug, preening adverts. And I would be super-rich.

Last year, I wrote a post about having PMT and wanting to land a fist directly into the television following an Always advert. This year, it’s the latest iphone 4 ad that’s got me clenching my fists.

Feel bad that you don’t have an iPhone? Feel left out because you can’t access the app store? So you should.

People who have an iPhone are, apparently, in some kind of elite; only they can pay for their coffee with their phone. Can you pay for your coffee with your phone? Can you? No. Neither can I. But then I’m a traditionalist, and prefer to use that other thing, y’know – money. Or sometimes if I’m feeling really crazy (or forgotten to go to an ATM), I use a debit card.

You’d think that as a geek with technojoy I’d be all: HELLZ YEAH! The iPhone rocks! etc. But no. When this advert comes on, all I think is this:

dontgotiphone

It’s not just the smugness of the ad that grates with me. I mean, all ads are smug. They have to be smug, because the whole purpose of an ad is to say “Our product is awesome and you should buy it now!” but what annoys me is that I know lots of people with iPhones, and that it seems to have one colossal flaw: it sort of, sometimes, most of the time, doesn’t connect calls. You know. Like a PHONE would.

Sure, it’ll pay for your coffee, it’ll sync you calendar and contacts and your iTunes playlist, it’ll tell you where the nearest toilet is, it’ll probably tell you how many times you should wipe your arse before flushing – in fact it probably has an app for wiping your arse. But when it comes to it’s primary function (i.e. being a phone) it will divert the call to voicemail. I don’t know why. Maybe because there are so many folks with iPhones who are milling about using up all the network resources to pay for their Starbucks coffee.

betterthanyou

To conclude, the iPhone can’t phone. But it does everything else and is, therefore, a successful piece of technology. In fairness, I am bias to anything that will pay for my coffee – so I can kind of see the logic.

But I still don’t want an iPhone. Until they stop accepting cards and cash for coffee.


The day-long itch…

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I am going rip my skin off.

No, not really because that would be gross, and impractical, and I’m really squeamish and I have no idea how to go about ripping my own skin off. But if I could rip my skin off without it hurting or being gross, I would right now.

My few but faithful followers on Twitter will know that today I had (yet another) very awkward conversation with a colleague. I hate conversations. I especially hate conversations that aren’t really conversations, they’re half conversations. They happen when you’re just passing someone you know and you do that whole ‘hey, how are you?’ and then they make some sort of gesture that signifies you can’t just say ‘yeah I’m okay,’ and carry on walking, you have to stop and actually chat. So there’s this really long pause after this person has insinuated that idle chit-chat will commence but doesn’t say anything and then all of a sudden I’m saying ‘I am REALLY itchy. I itch everywhere. I can’t stop scratching because I’m really, really itchy.’ They just sort of looked at me with this really blank expression before launching into a whole discussion about how maybe it’s my washing detergent causing me to itch.

Conversational suicide. My Twitter feed:

Twit Feed

I wasn’t lying, I am really am itchy, I’ve been itchy all day long and now it’s getting frantic and I’m freaking out. I itch everywhere, my arms, my face, my legs, my back. Gah! I just feel like I need to throw myself into a bath of sand paper.

Seeing as I’m a little paranoid, I can’t really work out if this is something that I’ve created in my own head, or whether there are actually little ant type bug things munching on my skin. Do I have fleas? Am I getting chicken pox? Am I going mental?

I’d diagnose myself on the NHS Direct website, but I’ve decided that website is a dangerous place to be. Last time I used it, I entered my symptoms and the screen flashed red and told me to dial 999 immediately. I didn’t call 999 because I was sure the computer was overreacting. But I did lay in bed worrying that I might die randomly while I thought about it. I don’t want to go through that again.

Right, I’m off to Homebase to pick some sandpaper.