Jo is into sluttery…

Today I was going to write a bitter, melancholy ‘year in review’ – about the absolute tyranny of crapulance that has been 2010, which culminated in the demise of my relationship with the Novelist, which I’ve kind of failed to mention because I don’t want to make the whole thing sound more dramatic than it actually is (especially as the decision was mutual and we’re still friends). Which reminds me, I know some of you are lovely and protective of my soul made entirely from marshmallows, but it’s worth asking you to please not attack the Novelist in the comment section – we’re still friends, and there really isn’t any need.

If anyone would like to attack me, however, then by all means, please do so (bring it, trolls). Alternatively, you can email me some rage at the usual address.

Anyway, just as I was about to embark on my misery fuelled post, I took a cursory glance at my stats:

Stats

And I decided that writing about the discovery of someone hitting my blog under slightly bizarre search-terms, presumably with the intent to weird me out, makes for a far more interesting post.

I wasn’t overly suspicious of the odd search terms at first; admittedly, there are usually a couple of entries in my stats which raise an eyebrow (or two) – the most recent one being ‘extreme pmt paranoia’ which some poor hormone ridden woman had searched for, hoping for answers for her insurmountable PMT anxiety and found my blog instead. After discovering the search-term ‘“Jo and the novelist” is a great blog but her friends are fucking with her stats’ I began thinking that maybe this wasn’t about people Googling odd things and accidentally visiting my blog, because it was actually about someone going to the effort of putting unique combinations of keywords into Google, and hitting my site to make it into my stats.

I have to say, I’m pretty impressed.

Um Thanks

The worrying part is, I’m completely unsure as to whether ‘Jo is into sluttery’ was part of this cleverly orchestrated plan to fuck with my stats, or if someone genuinely felt that Jo (me, or whoever else) was into sluttery and needed Google to confirm it.

Jo is totally into sluttery

I’m also a tad worried that ‘why I should not be a novelist’ is exempt from the fuck-with-my-stats plan too. I kind of want to be flattered that aspiring novelists, in a moment of insecurity, ask God Google why they shouldn’t be a novelist and a link to my blog holds the top spot, but I can’t help but feel like this doesn’t really qualify as any kind of real achievement. In fact, it pretty much proves that I am living proof of why anyone should not attempt to become a novelist. Should not date writers

Randomly, at number 2, God Google vomited up a link to something which strangely relates to the collapse of my relationship and doesn’t really have anything to do with not becoming a novelist.

I clicked the link, and as it happened the reasons why you shouldn’t date a writer if you’re a writer are pretty accurate. And so I would suggest you click here, and read the post yourself because it will save me the trouble and extreme awkwardness of having to write about my break up. However, if you are not a writer and you are planning on dating me, then may I suggest that you don’t click the link.

Did I just say dating? HA!

To conclude:

  • This year has been a big pile of poo, but not quite as big a pile of poo as 2007 – the year that wasn’t. For one thing, I can still laugh, cry and afford to buy toilet paper.
  • Come 2011, I might need to think of a new title for my blog. Suggestions welcome.
  • I’m totally into sluttery. Even Google confirmed it.
  • I don’t know why we should get sweaty in our 60s. FYI: I didn’t click that link – it’s part of the Daily Mail website.
  • If you’re fucking with my stats, thanks for giving me an idea for today’s post.

This will probably be my last post before Christmas. So before I sign off, I’d like to wish you all a very Merry Christmas. Even if you’re fucking with my stats…

Tagged:

Comments: 23

  1. Rik December 21, 2010 at 9:04 pm Reply

    Cross out the 'and' dude…. xx

  2. Rik December 21, 2010 at 9:04 pm Reply

    Er, not Rik…it's me SIL

  3. Rik December 21, 2010 at 9:10 pm Reply

    HOW DARE YOU POST COMMENTS USING MY PROFILE, WIFE!

    <removes ironic angry husband hat>

  4. Fraz December 21, 2010 at 11:22 pm Reply

    Sorry and/or you're welcome. 17-20 in that picture were me. You mentioned the PMT thing on Facebook and I thought I'd make an attempt at something funny, since your Christmas spirit had abandoned you.

    I vote for skipping the "and", too. Or keep the name and pretend you have multiple personality disorder, and "the novelist" is the one that writes.

  5. alonewithcats December 21, 2010 at 11:24 pm Reply

    Keep Jo and the Novelist. It could be about your multiple personalities. Has Lifetime original movie written all over it.

    Oh, writers are not supposed to date writers? Sigh. Our love can never be.

  6. laurenne December 22, 2010 at 2:52 am Reply

    Bring on 2011, dammit. May it be a year filled with better relationships with non-writers, plenty of oversized vegetable driving, and nobody fucking with your stats.

  7. kyknoord December 22, 2010 at 10:45 am Reply

    Sorry about fucking with your stats. It's the most action I've had in six months.

  8. Jojiebean December 22, 2010 at 12:02 pm Reply

    It's worryingly hard to tell via text… Except maybe the kisses give it away ;)

  9. Jojiebean December 22, 2010 at 12:02 pm Reply

    LOL!!!1111

  10. Jojiebean December 22, 2010 at 12:04 pm Reply

    ah HA! I thought it might be you, and then I doubted myself after doing some not very extensive detective work on Google Analytics. Dammit. I should have trusted my gut feeling.

    Hmm. Multiple personality… What on earth gave you that idea???

  11. Jojiebean December 22, 2010 at 12:04 pm Reply

    Another vote for multiple personality disorder! Seriously, should I consider seeing a shrink.

    Our love will be, come the apocalypse. Never forget that..

  12. Jojiebean December 22, 2010 at 12:05 pm Reply

    I really do want to attempt to drive an over-sized vegetable. Y'know, just to see what it's like…

  13. Jojiebean December 22, 2010 at 12:06 pm Reply

    In time I'll forgive you. But for what it's worth, I think my stats really enjoyed it…

  14. Rik December 22, 2010 at 12:25 pm Reply

    I never use text kisses (or real ones) as I'm a cold, emotionless robot.

  15. alexis December 22, 2010 at 3:42 pm Reply

    Since 2011 will be YOUR year you can write Jo & the 2011! Ok. Lame. but everyone else took all the good ones.

  16. Fraz December 22, 2010 at 3:55 pm Reply

    You thought right at the start that it might be me? I'm not sure if I'm concerned or pleased.

    The idea. Uh, one of my personalities suggested it.

    Actually, when I first read your blog, knowing how you were so very devoted to Tarquin, I kind of assumed that "The Novelist" was a reference to another personality, or, you know, a voice in your head. I'm sure it must be comforting to hear about the high opinion your friend has about your mental state. For what it's worth, though, if you do have multiple personalities, they all seem quite lovely, and talented at this writing lark.

  17. eatswords December 22, 2010 at 9:25 pm Reply

    Jo and the soul made of marshmallows!

  18. Stoo December 23, 2010 at 9:13 pm Reply

    "Jo and the oversized vegetables"

  19. Simone December 24, 2010 at 7:41 am Reply

    i'm kinda of curious why Rosie Thomas thinks it good for people in their 60s to get sweaty…

    your blog title still works – the novelist is in your head…

    hoping 2011 brings you much happiness and joy, and less poo.

  20. Jojiebean December 29, 2010 at 11:27 am Reply

    Love it! The official mantra for the coming year should be '2011!! *The* year for less poo!' What do you reckon? I think I might put that on a t-shirt….

  21. Jojiebean December 29, 2010 at 11:27 am Reply

    I think people might misinterpret that…

    Still, it might get me a date.

  22. Jojiebean December 29, 2010 at 11:28 am Reply

    That could work – although it doesn't really roll off the tongue. But then, neither do marshamllows.

    Hmm.

  23. Jojiebean December 29, 2010 at 11:28 am Reply

    I still think the suggestion for me to go ghetto on myself is the best…

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