My phone thinks that I keep trying to look at porn…

I’ve accidentally, nearly looked at porn, on my phone, in public, twice in the last week.

Firstly, let me point out that neither time was intentional – I don’t really have any kind of desire to watch porn on my phone.

The first incident was when I was waiting around to meet a friend who was running late, one day last week. As is the way with owning a smart phone, I did a bit of internet browsing at nothing in particular just to kill the time. For whatever reason, I navigated away from the page I was on, and when I went back to it, something that looked a bit like the following (but not really), popped up on screen.

Site Unavailable

That’s right, without realising it, I was trying to look at porn. And not just any porn, really horrible porn. Don’t ask me how the website transformed, within a single click from an entirely acceptable non-porn related site, to one too filthy to have access to, but it did.

What’s worse is, because it’s suggesting other porn sites instead, I feel like my mobile company are kind of saying ‘It’s okay if you want to look at porn on your phone… but not the really dirty stuff. Have some dignity.’ As ever, I’m totally taking this personally, because I feel like they’re being kind of judgmental towards me, and I wasn’t even trying to look at porn.

Within the same week, another friend and I were having one of those ‘Which member of the A-Team would you be?’ discussions which pop up every now and again during those first few hazy hours of a day in the office. For the record, I would be Murdoch seeing as my friends have to pick me up from my therapist’s house anytime we go somewhere – which is almost the same as being busted out of a loony bin. Sadly, my friend couldn’t decide whether he would be Face and Hannibal. So, naturally, I whipped out my phone and Googled ‘Which member of the A-Team are you?’ hoping for some sort of definitive quiz to appear in the results.

Clicking the top result, which in fairness, looked an awful lot like it might actually be said definitive quiz, sent me back to the sorry-you’re-trying-to-look-at-porn message again. And while it’s just a standard message, to me, the second time around it looked like this:

Error Message Fuelled by Paranoia

Unless ‘A-Team’ is actually some kind well known euphemism that I’m completely unaware of, then I’m really not sure how porn appeared in my search results. Either way, I am now convinced my mobile company are going to ditch me as a customer, for two accidental attempts to look at porn on my phone.

Also, I’m now worried that both of these incidents have been logged in my customer details, thus sabotaging my chance of getting a free upgrade when my contract is up. Once my contract expires they’ll probably offer me some really rubbish deal, and when I ring up to say “WTF? This is a really crappy upgrade – it’s actually worse than the phone I have now,” they’ll be all “I’m sorry, this is the best we can offer you because, y’know, you tried to look at porn that time…’”

I don’t know about you, but if you’ve ever surfed the net at work or on your phone and somehow accidentally ended up with porn, even if it popped up just for a second and no-one saw it because you shut your browser down a nano-second afterwards, even if all that popped up was a message to say that the site is blocked, I feel like the entire world has been notified of my faux pas, and feel all guilty and ashamed even though I wasn’t actually trying to look at porn.

On the plus side, all this has given me something to write about this week. And considering the amount of times I’ve used the word ‘porn’ in this post, I’m likely to get a few more hits – probably from folk who are actually surfing the net to look at porn. To those people; if you’re reading this instead of watching porn, then I’m really sorry. But now you know how I feel when I use Google to search for A-Team quizzes.

Comments: 19

  1. Fraz February 17, 2011 at 6:47 pm Reply

    Soon, your blog will be known across the internet as the premier source of A-Team porn.

  2. Steven Chapman February 17, 2011 at 6:58 pm Reply

    A-Team porn!! Genius!

    "I love it when we come together."
    "I ain't getting on no man-cane, fool!"

  3. Jojiebean February 17, 2011 at 11:17 pm Reply

    The game's up. I know your game…

    I think I've mentioned too many things about games…

  4. Jojiebean February 17, 2011 at 11:19 pm Reply

    If I make it in the world, ever, it's going to be for getting the most hits for A-Team porn, isn't it??

    I love you guys…

  5. NickMB February 18, 2011 at 12:00 am Reply

    I found a trailer for the A-Team porn parody, but to be honest it just looks like a really low-budget episode. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B7mkkbtOxyk

    I'm guessing they probably can't include the anal scenes in a trailer.

  6. alonewithcats February 18, 2011 at 12:37 am Reply

    Sometimes I "accidentally" look at porn on my laptop. Then I get all panicky that the porn can be traced to me. But then I remember that I'm using my friend's university password to access the wifi from the school across the street, so the porn actually can be traced to her.

    What I'm saying is, next time, use a friend's phone.

  7. Fraz February 18, 2011 at 2:14 am Reply

    I guess so. Bwahahahaha.

  8. Matt February 18, 2011 at 6:06 pm Reply

    In 1972, a hardcore commando unit was sent to porn-prison by a military court for a sex act that they did not commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security S&M dungeon to the Los Angeles underground porn scene. Today, still wanted by the sex industry, they survive as soldiers of sexual fortune. If you haven't had an orgasm in weeks, if no one else can help, and if you can find them….maybe you can hire The A-Team.

    DER-DER-DER—-DER-DUM-DER etc

  9. Jojiebean February 18, 2011 at 9:55 pm Reply

    It does look just as cheesy as every other A-Team episode.

  10. Jojiebean February 18, 2011 at 9:59 pm Reply

    I'm now too afraid to Google anything, in case I some how end up with porn. In fact, just the word "Google" makes me think twice.

    I've gone off the internet. And porn.

  11. Jojiebean February 18, 2011 at 10:01 pm Reply

    I think you should copyright that asap. If that makes it into an A-Team porno, you're going to want the royalties.

  12. kyknoord February 21, 2011 at 4:14 pm Reply

    I suspect your phone is actually the one trying to access the porn and then trying to pin it on you. Hey – they don't call them "smart" phones for nothing.

  13. Suniverse February 21, 2011 at 10:26 pm Reply

    I just read that mobile phone porn sales have hit over $1 BILLION this past year. I could not reconcile this, because seriously? $1 BILLION?? That's a lot of money for porn you AND EVERYONE ELSE can see ON YOUR PHONE. I'm not sure how fun it would be to look at porn on your phone because really? Your phone. Who does that?

    And now I know. It's you.

  14. Cori February 24, 2011 at 6:43 am Reply

    My Blackberry must be some kind of slut, because every time I click a Google link that looks like a harmless article on how to reupholster a wingback chair (which honestly does sound kind of dirty) or the user guide for my stupid four slice toaster that is only toasting two slices at a time (really, toaster manual porn?) it just lets me stumble right into it. All like, "haha, you're just looking for some valuable information but here's something better!" Evil phone.

  15. Jojiebean February 24, 2011 at 11:01 am Reply

    Dammit. I never thought of that. You're too smart for me, smart phone…

  16. Jojiebean February 24, 2011 at 11:03 am Reply

    This is what I don't get. Seriously – who does look at porn on their phone? Apart from me, accidentally… Someone does it.

    $1 Billion??? Really?? How does that even happen?

  17. Jojiebean February 24, 2011 at 11:04 am Reply

    I'm so glad someone else is going through this. I mean really, how do toasters and porn get confused?

    Actually, I don't even want to know…

  18. Megan-Best of Fates March 4, 2011 at 9:31 pm Reply

    And thus I realized that I obviously need to get a smart phone. For I cannot wait to have that conversation with my service provider.

  19. anthony thompson January 12, 2013 at 2:47 am Reply

    WTH i keep geting Porno poping up on my phone. I’ve called customer support. And they told me to delete my history. But it has not worked. What should I do

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