I’ve accidentally, nearly looked at porn, on my phone, in public, twice in the last week.
Firstly, let me point out that neither time was intentional – I don’t really have any kind of desire to watch porn on my phone.
The first incident was when I was waiting around to meet a friend who was running late, one day last week. As is the way with owning a smart phone, I did a bit of internet browsing at nothing in particular just to kill the time. For whatever reason, I navigated away from the page I was on, and when I went back to it, something that looked a bit like the following (but not really), popped up on screen.
That’s right, without realising it, I was trying to look at porn. And not just any porn, really horrible porn. Don’t ask me how the website transformed, within a single click from an entirely acceptable non-porn related site, to one too filthy to have access to, but it did.
What’s worse is, because it’s suggesting other porn sites instead, I feel like my mobile company are kind of saying ‘It’s okay if you want to look at porn on your phone… but not the really dirty stuff. Have some dignity.’ As ever, I’m totally taking this personally, because I feel like they’re being kind of judgmental towards me, and I wasn’t even trying to look at porn.
Within the same week, another friend and I were having one of those ‘Which member of the A-Team would you be?’ discussions which pop up every now and again during those first few hazy hours of a day in the office. For the record, I would be Murdoch seeing as my friends have to pick me up from my therapist’s house anytime we go somewhere – which is almost the same as being busted out of a loony bin. Sadly, my friend couldn’t decide whether he would be Face and Hannibal. So, naturally, I whipped out my phone and Googled ‘Which member of the A-Team are you?’ hoping for some sort of definitive quiz to appear in the results.
Clicking the top result, which in fairness, looked an awful lot like it might actually be said definitive quiz, sent me back to the sorry-you’re-trying-to-look-at-porn message again. And while it’s just a standard message, to me, the second time around it looked like this:
Unless ‘A-Team’ is actually some kind well known euphemism that I’m completely unaware of, then I’m really not sure how porn appeared in my search results. Either way, I am now convinced my mobile company are going to ditch me as a customer, for two accidental attempts to look at porn on my phone.
Also, I’m now worried that both of these incidents have been logged in my customer details, thus sabotaging my chance of getting a free upgrade when my contract is up. Once my contract expires they’ll probably offer me some really rubbish deal, and when I ring up to say “WTF? This is a really crappy upgrade – it’s actually worse than the phone I have now,” they’ll be all “I’m sorry, this is the best we can offer you because, y’know, you tried to look at porn that time…’”
I don’t know about you, but if you’ve ever surfed the net at work or on your phone and somehow accidentally ended up with porn, even if it popped up just for a second and no-one saw it because you shut your browser down a nano-second afterwards, even if all that popped up was a message to say that the site is blocked, I feel like the entire world has been notified of my faux pas, and feel all guilty and ashamed even though I wasn’t actually trying to look at porn.
On the plus side, all this has given me something to write about this week. And considering the amount of times I’ve used the word ‘porn’ in this post, I’m likely to get a few more hits – probably from folk who are actually surfing the net to look at porn. To those people; if you’re reading this instead of watching porn, then I’m really sorry. But now you know how I feel when I use Google to search for A-Team quizzes.