If You Haven’t Got an iPhone…

I’ve been considering my career options lately and I’ve discovered that maybe I’m not just limited to aspiring writer. With my background in wordsmithing I could work in marketing. Or better yet, I could work in advertising. I could work in advertising and make a total killing. And all I’d have to do is make smug, preening adverts. And I would be super-rich.

Last year, I wrote a post about having PMT and wanting to land a fist directly into the television following an Always advert. This year, it’s the latest iphone 4 ad that’s got me clenching my fists.

Feel bad that you don’t have an iPhone? Feel left out because you can’t access the app store? So you should.

People who have an iPhone are, apparently, in some kind of elite; only they can pay for their coffee with their phone. Can you pay for your coffee with your phone? Can you? No. Neither can I. But then I’m a traditionalist, and prefer to use that other thing, y’know – money. Or sometimes if I’m feeling really crazy (or forgotten to go to an ATM), I use a debit card.

You’d think that as a geek with technojoy I’d be all: HELLZ YEAH! The iPhone rocks! etc. But no. When this advert comes on, all I think is this:


It’s not just the smugness of the ad that grates with me. I mean, all ads are smug. They have to be smug, because the whole purpose of an ad is to say “Our product is awesome and you should buy it now!” but what annoys me is that I know lots of people with iPhones, and that it seems to have one colossal flaw: it sort of, sometimes, most of the time, doesn’t connect calls. You know. Like a PHONE would.

Sure, it’ll pay for your coffee, it’ll sync you calendar and contacts and your iTunes playlist, it’ll tell you where the nearest toilet is, it’ll probably tell you how many times you should wipe your arse before flushing – in fact it probably has an app for wiping your arse. But when it comes to it’s primary function (i.e. being a phone) it will divert the call to voicemail. I don’t know why. Maybe because there are so many folks with iPhones who are milling about using up all the network resources to pay for their Starbucks coffee.


To conclude, the iPhone can’t phone. But it does everything else and is, therefore, a successful piece of technology. In fairness, I am bias to anything that will pay for my coffee – so I can kind of see the logic.

But I still don’t want an iPhone. Until they stop accepting cards and cash for coffee.

Comments: 19

  1. Steven Chapman May 12, 2011 at 2:19 pm Reply

    Well how else can you book a flight, check train times, check the weather, browse the web?!!

    Only apps do that, there is no other way to access BA.com without the BA.com app…no other way at all.
    And there is totally no other way of getting to traintimes.com without the traintimes.com app…
    As for the weather app? How else would you get to weather.com without the magical app?!
    Hell, I know when I want to go to thetimes.com, I hunt down an IPhone user and beg them to let me use the Times app they have on their amazing uber-phones.

    Hehe, "one colossal floor"…does it have a colossal ceiling as well?

  2. Stoo May 12, 2011 at 2:30 pm Reply

    All those apps. But no ScummVM. Boo. (well not by legitimate channels anyway).

  3. Steven Chapman May 12, 2011 at 2:57 pm Reply

    Even Scumm wouldn't make an IPhone worth having…*shudder* But maybe if I had enough grod I'd consid….NOOOO!! I can't do it. it's Apple *bleargh*

  4. Simone May 12, 2011 at 4:24 pm Reply

    i've been in advertising for 18 years. it's a soul-crushing business. however, it is a creative environment… still, it sucks away your life and takes away the time you could better spend by writing.

    p.s. last time i checked – you are a writer, aspiring means aiming for – you already write. you are a writer.

    p.s.s. don't go into advertising.

    p.s.s.s. or go into it, but don't stop creating.

    p.s.s.s. my phone is 4 years old and i use it to call people, and sometimes text. that's what phones are for…

  5. Jojiebean May 12, 2011 at 5:01 pm Reply

    I didn't read between the lines in that advert; you're totally right. The iPhone essentially renders the internet completely redundant. I think it's because the internet doesn't have an iPhone.

  6. Jojiebean May 12, 2011 at 5:02 pm Reply

    No. No ScummVM app. Pointless. Although you can download the new, remixed MI for the iPhone.

  7. Jojiebean May 12, 2011 at 5:04 pm Reply

    I have to admit, a ScummVM app wouldn't be enough to swing it for me either. But it would help. "If you haven't got an iPhone, you haven't got the app store, and if you haven't got the app store, then you can't download ScummVM and play 15 year old video games,"

    I don't think it would have quite the same advertising twang.

  8. Jojiebean May 12, 2011 at 5:05 pm Reply

    Also, apologies for the error there. That seems to be a new thing with me – spelling things phonetically and then, well, not proofreading properly.

  9. Jojiebean May 12, 2011 at 5:09 pm Reply

    All advice received and understood.

    I entirely agree with p.s.s.s but p.s not so much ;)

  10. Suniverse May 12, 2011 at 5:21 pm Reply

    I have an iphone. It's 3 years old and drops calls. BUT. I love it. Mostly because I love being smug.

  11. Fraz May 13, 2011 at 1:13 am Reply

    "If you don't have an iPhone, you aren't a pathetic waste of space."

    Probably wouldn't sell many, I guess. And I suppose there ARE worthless people who don't have iPhones. Somewhere.

    I'm kind of sick of iPhone owners. It's one thing being smug, but it's entirely another to be smug about something which isn't even as good as the alternatives. Plus the Starbucks app is kind of hilarious. It displays a barcode that doesn't change. If you printed it on a piece of paper, it'd work the same. If you take a picture of someone else's? Hey, free coffee on them.

    I don't know if you'd be good at marketing, based on the examples you mentioned. I don't recall you ever saying something that made me want to hit you.

  12. alonewithcats May 13, 2011 at 3:34 am Reply

    I heart my iPhone. True, it doesn't like to make calls. But I don't like to call my mom. We, the iPhone and I, have a beautiful relationship.

    Mom: You should really move back home and live in my basement forever.
    Me: You're cutting out … can't hear you …

  13. Lucy Brown May 13, 2011 at 11:52 pm Reply

    My brother-in-law is an iPhone owner. When I announced what phone I was getting (a Blackberry for reasons including I'd been using an imitation and I was used to the structure) he tried desperately to talk me into getting an iPhone. His explanations included that I could work on the go and that it could do everything I could ever want.

    My response? The time I spend travelling is the only time I DON'T work. Stop trying to take that from me.

  14. Million Monkeys May 14, 2011 at 8:46 am Reply

    If you haven't got an iphone…then how is Apple supposed to know where you are at all times?

  15. Jojiebean May 17, 2011 at 10:27 am Reply

    You should think about going into advertising…

  16. Jojiebean May 17, 2011 at 10:28 am Reply

    Let us talk more about the ways in which I can sabotage iPhone owners, *and* get free coffee.

  17. Jojiebean May 17, 2011 at 10:29 am Reply

    Surely you can get an app that will fob your Mom off with excuses. If not, then you should really pitch that to Apple. You can have the idea for freesies. You're welcome.

  18. Jojiebean May 17, 2011 at 10:32 am Reply

    You're totally right – plus iPhone users are reluctant to ever turn them off. Why is that? Why?

  19. Jojiebean May 23, 2011 at 6:17 pm Reply

    I'm so sorry Lucy, I thought I'd replied to your comment, but it would appear not!

    I'm scared by the way iPhone owners are like little Apple Sales reps. Owning an iPhone is like joining a cult. Once you have one, you have to convince everyone else to get one too.

    And I'm in full agreement with you; syncing my phone and my WORK email so that you can "work on the go" is not, I repeat NOT a selling point. Why would anyone want to do that? We don't all love our jobs, Steve (see what I did there??)

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