If you have any ideas about how to become a hot intelligent-looking novelist when writing in public, then please email me because I really need your advice.
There’s something very poetic about writing in coffee shops. I can envision myself staring off into the distance as I tap out the words of my novel on a slick laptop, drinking coffee, looking contemplative. In my head, that’s who I am when I go out to write in coffee shops.
The stark reality, however, is me hogging a table at Costa Coffee wearing broken jeans held together with a safety pin, torn Converse trainers with holes in them and a coffee stained shirt (a result of trying to write and drink coffee simultaneously). Clutching a flimsy, chewed Biro in my hand, I stare at my tatty notebook (also smothered in coffee stains) as I cram handfuls of chocolate muffin into my mouth, whimpering over my unfinished manuscript.
Some people (hipsters) attempt the contemplative intelligent look, but actually just look, well, like pretentious dickheads with too much time and money to know what else to do with themselves. The trouble is, there’s a fine line between looking contemplative and poetic and looking like a pretentious dickhead:
Thanks to my lack of fashion sense or possession of a Macbook, I’m in the clear for looking pretentious. Similarly, thanks to my scruffy apparel (shirt with undignified coffee stains, and shoes with gaping holes in them) I’m also light years away from the romanticised intelligent novelist in my head:
Look, I know that being a novelist isn’t about looking like a novelist. It’s about actually writing a novel. But sometimes I wish I looked the part. There are people who look poetic and contemplative and intelligent and creative and not pretentious. And I don’t know how they do it.
Sometimes, when I’m writing in a coffee shop, I see people who look a lot more like novelists than I do. I was going to take their pictures to illustrate this point further – but I thought that would be pretty awkward and weird. And I’m pretty sure the intelligent-looking hotties would find it a bit awkward and weird too.
So you’ll just have to take my word for it – there are people who sit in coffee shops with their notes and laptops and books and stuff, and they look awesome. They look like the coffee shop is their living room – they look like that table they’re sitting at, is their desk. They look like they’ve never had to struggle with fixing a chapter, or eliminating one of their main characters or spent an entire day trying to write a sentence. And what’s more, they aren’t scruffy. They’re kind of hot looking writer folk. They aren’t wearing clothes held together with safety pins, or shoes with gaping holes in them, or coffee stained shirts, nor are they pretentious hipsters with Macbooks and sunglasses. They’re these amazingly hot, intelligent, calm people just sitting there and writing novels and drinking coffee without spilling it all over themselves.
Who are they? Where did they come from? Why don’t they ever stop – not even to go to the toilet?
There isn’t really a point to today’s post. Other than: I’m jealous of hot, intellectual writery folk with laptops and their endless novel-writing* abilities.
*Admittedly, I don’t know that they’re writing novels. They could be writing anything. They could be writing an essay or they could be playing World of Warcraft. They still look like novelists. The bastards.