And then from nowhere, you feel like smashing things…

This isn’t quite the sneaky hate spiral, the one which Allie Brosh describes so brilliantly on Hyperbole and a Half. This is something else. Entirely.

In recent years I’d say that I’ve managed to knock a lot of my self-loathy behaviour on the head. But every now and again, I wake up feeling like I am the worst person to ever have existed. I’m terrible and everyone knows it etc.

Sometimes I can even wake up feeling fine, happy almost, and then at some point in the day lurch frantically into this evil state of unadulterated rage.

What’s a classic trait of this state of mind is that I can’t say what it is that’s making me feel so terrible. I feel bad, and I have no explanation as to why that is. Which, in itself, makes me feel more upset.

Generally, I try to hide feelings crappiness, but even a minor set back (in any capacity) seems to open a floodgate of anger fuelled by a back-catalogue of negative thoughts from my life so far. It looks a little something like this:

Stage 1 – A Minor Setback:

wonderwhyspreadsheetwontprint
Stage 2 – Irrational Feelings of Anger and Rage:

why printers suck

 

who do printers think they are

 

printing capabilities

 

refuse spreadsheet

Stage 3 – Self-Loathing:

not printers fault

 

dont understand

 

lol

Stage 4 – Crying:

Er… No illustration needed.

 

When I’m not falling out with printers or other bits of technology, I’m punishing myself for other minor mishaps. The other night for example, I found a tasty looking recipe (complete with mouth-watering picture next to it) in a book and decided to give it a go. Despite my best efforts, however, the end result did not, by any means, mirror the appetising delights in the picture. Immediately after sitting down to consume it I found myself yelling "THIS FOOD IS DOGSHIT" because honestly, that’s what it looked like.

Worse still, whenever I’m in a total funk this way, people seem to collect around me, more so than usual. They’re everywhere – popping up left and right with their smiles and polite conversations and telephone calls. And I know it isn’t them, it’s me being angry. I know that they’re merely existing, and I’m merely existing and we’re all just existing together. But their existence somehow fuels my feelings of irritability. Therefore, anyone who even so much takes an inhalation of breath within a five mile radius of where I am, is subject to endless sighs, tuts and aggressive rolls of the eyes by yours truly.

Ironically, less than a week prior to my stonking rage festival, I had attended a training course on building confidence and learning the power of positive thinking. I really felt as though I was feeling the benefits too, until the end of the week rapidly transformed into the beginning of the week and for whatever reason, I woke up feeling like a failure and hated everything.

Sometimes, to clear up these weird feelings that seem to appear from nowhere, I just need a good cry, or a long sleep or a massive piece of cake. Eventually my brain shifts back into gear and all the hating flows back into whatever dark abyss it came out of in the first place.

Afterwards, when I’m wringing out my pillows, and wiping the smears of chocolate cake off my bed sheets, I feel a quite stupid about it all. I have this feeling of  ‘Seriously, what was I so upset about?’ and I still can’t really figure it out. And while I’m being honest, I also still feel a bit of resentment towards printers.

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Comments: 19

  1. Steven Chapman July 14, 2011 at 11:12 pm Reply

    Maybe you're gearing up for the full moon tonight (Friday)?

    I know how you feel, but like you say it doesn't last. You'll explode, then cry, then eat cake until you fall asleep. Sometimes it might make you feel better to explode cake and then cry yourself to sleep, but it all works out the same in the end.

    You just need something to punch for a while, I know a few annoying people you could use as a punching bag if you want?

    Feel better, crazy lady.

  2. Frosty Cheeks July 14, 2011 at 11:26 pm Reply

    I am right there with you. You can start off musing gently on the futilities of trying to get something to do the thing it was designed SPECIFICALLY to do, before swiftly remembering that time that someone took offense (probably) at something you said to them in passing, and realising that there isn't much in the world that isn't your fault. Before you know it, you're HULK SMASH-ing everything in sight. Then you realise that you've simply been pressing the wrong button and you instantly feel silly, stop smashing, and wait quietly while the thing that was supposed to be doing its thing, does its thing. Right?

  3. alonewithcats July 15, 2011 at 4:02 am Reply

    In America, rage fest is for testosterone-y, violent boys, but it's called Ozzfest.

    Maybe you should try hating the hate? Deep, I know.

  4. Jojiebean July 15, 2011 at 8:55 am Reply

    Exploding cake hey?? Sounds messy. But worth considering, so thanks :)

  5. Jojiebean July 15, 2011 at 8:57 am Reply

    Sometimes it's pretty short lived that way, and others see me yo-yoing from feeling bad to worse to smashing things (it's one of those cool yo-yos that goes in multiple directions) for about two or three days. But yes, essentially, that's the series of events I'm looking at. And impatience only serves to exacerbate things…

  6. Jojiebean July 15, 2011 at 8:58 am Reply

    Hate the hate. I like it. I feel like I should put it on a T-shirt or something.

  7. @rik_ffg July 15, 2011 at 9:56 am Reply

    I have this (as you know) but with fewer stages.

    1: "Hm, I can't seem to find my Oyster card. Where could it be?"
    [minutes pass]
    2: "Why are you such a FUCKING ARSEHOLE who doesn't even know where his OWN STUFF is? This is why you're a LOSER and absolutely SHIT at absolutely EVERYTHING. You TOTAL WANKER. What is the point of you even being ALIVE if you're such a PATHETIC excuse for a human being…"[and so on, for roughly 20 minutes]
    3: "Oh, there it is. On the table."

    Quickly followed by:

    4: "Actually, thinking about it, it's not the fact that I occasionally misplace things that makes me a dickhead. It's these twatty, childish rants provoked by little more than a minor setbeck."
    5: [Sad face]

  8. Brooke Farmer July 15, 2011 at 3:32 pm Reply

    I think everyone experiences some version of this.

    I think long walks can be helpful. Leave the cell phone at home. Bring a camera if you want to. Take notice of your surroundings for an hour or so. Really pay attention. To your surroundings, not your thoughts.

    Either that or just start drinking. Ya' know. Either way.

  9. Steven Chapman July 15, 2011 at 4:55 pm Reply

    Drinking! YAY!

  10. Steven Chapman July 15, 2011 at 5:00 pm Reply

    When I get that feeling, I need…textual healing.

    Write away your anger with a vicious murder scene…you can murder printers, right?

  11. Simone July 15, 2011 at 9:27 pm Reply

    nothing works better than a good cry. or murdering an innocent bystander.

  12. Jojiebean July 16, 2011 at 9:46 am Reply

    We are eerily similar. It's like we're brother and sister or something. Sadly, I've never hit stage four. I should probably work on that.

  13. Jojiebean July 16, 2011 at 9:47 am Reply

    I think you're right. The key is to get *out* of your head for a while. I used to think that keeping busy helped, but actually, I'm more inclined to get more pissed off. Walks, drinking, drinking while walking. It's all good.

  14. Jojiebean July 16, 2011 at 9:47 am Reply

    YAY!

  15. Jojiebean July 16, 2011 at 9:49 am Reply

    Writing could make me go either way when I'm this way out. I'll either a) concentrate, and manage to write something *and* feel satisfied with it or b) not be able to write anything, punish myself even more for being rubbish, then start weeping into the keyboard.

  16. Jojiebean July 16, 2011 at 9:49 am Reply

    I think the latter has more repercussions in the long-term.

  17. Ellie July 17, 2011 at 10:51 am Reply

    OMG. I so know how this feels. Why do we do it to ourselves? Why?!

    Ellie Garratt

  18. Suniverse July 23, 2011 at 8:03 pm Reply

    So sorry I'm late to this.

    Printers fucking suck. So do fax machines [cf. Office Space for an excellent example of how to deal with them].

    I hate those days/weeks/years where nothing in particular sets me off but I am still full of hate. Had one of those days recently and it was exhausting to get through.

    Hope you are better now.

    XOXOXOXOXO

  19. @laurenne July 29, 2011 at 4:19 am Reply

    I'm late too. I should hate myself for it! But I don't. Because…. (you're gonna think I'm a nutjob for this one) I really do positive affirmations in the mirror every morning! SWEAR! "I am radiating positivity and light." "I accept myself just as I am." I KNOW!!!!!!!! I didn't believe it either, but it's how I finally FINALLY grew to love my body. No more body issues.Totally works. BUT… I definitely do hate printers. Fucking printers.

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