How Blogging and Apple Crumbles are the Same (but not really)…

Recently, I’ve been feeling like a total charlatan with this blog. I call myself a blogger, I tell people I have a website but actually all I have is a string of infrequent updates and an excessive posts about how picky I am when purchasing a new notebook.

I realise that this happens from time to time; I disappear without a trace and then come back with an apology and a long post about whatever and expect people to read it and for my stats to jump through the roof.

Fictional stats

But that doesn’t happen, because in order for your stats to be through the roof, you need to keep up with the internet. The internet is an Olympic runner, and I’m someone who hopes to keep up by running flat out on a treadmill in the gym once a month, and then spending the next three weeks recovering.

Actual stats

Blogging is just like dieting and exercising and anything else really… Breathing – there’s another example. In order to do something well, you need to start by doing it consistently: To diet you need to eat well, every day; to be gym ninja you need to work out at least five times a week; in order to live, you need to breathe all day and all night. Actually, that last one doesn’t really work in this whole simile thing I’ve got going on here. It’s like I’m suggesting blogging is the same as breathing, which I’m not. Blogging is almost nothing like breathing, at all.

Thinking about it, I’m also kind of suggesting that blogging is like dieting or exercising. It’s not like either of those. I’m not really sure where I got the idea for this simile from, but I’m beginning to feel like it’s crumbling around me like… something that crumbles really easily – like apple crumble – that crumbles pretty easily, and is also delicious.

Actually, apple crumble, despite the misleading name, is really not all that crumbly. It just has a crumbly topping. And sometimes that topping is chewy rather than crumbly. In which case, this simile works less well than saying that my original simile is crumbling around me like apple crumble. Because I’m not sure a simile can be chewy.

Okay, I’m giving up on similes because this is becoming a disaster.

And now I’ve pretty much forgotten what the hell I was talking about initially, because I was all “Mmm apple crumble is delicious, but not as a simile…”

Okay, yes. Blogging. Which, while not really similar to dieting or exercise by nature, it does operate on the same principle in that in order to be successful at blogging (or dieting, or exercising) you have to do it consistently.

Actually, blogging is a lot like those Tamagotchi things. Remember those? They were like tiny little virtual pixelated creatures that you had to look after and ‘keep alive’. If you kept forgetting to feed them or play with them or clean up their massive piles of pixelated poop they would die.

Tamagotchi happy1

Mine died. Because I played with it endlessly for about a day and then got bored and didn’t feed it or play with it and allowed it to live amongst the poop for too long. This is pretty much my mantra for life: Something is super-exciting for about ten minutes, and then it becomes annoying and boring and generally seem like too much effort to actually bother with. And then I pretty much start resenting it. Then I come back to it weeks/months/years later, forgetting all the hate and resentment and wondering why it’s no longer as brilliant and fun as it was to begin with (in the case of the Tamagotchi, because it was dead).

Jo's Tamagotchi

I’m sure I quit similes a few paragraphs back because I decided I was terrible at using them, and yet here I am again going off on a whopping digression comparing my entire life with how I treated my Tamagotchi.


I always have a thousand TOTALLY VALID excuses for skipping out on the internets for a while. But then coming back to blogging is like starting a new diet or a new exercise regime (seriously, stop with the similes) all over again. What I’m saying is, the weeks off from the internets/diet/gym undo all the hard work put in so far. Essentially, I start back at the beginning again.

And I’m a bit sick of starting back at the beginning again. Because when I’m back at the beginning and faced with the challenge of writing a post and pleading people to read it, I’m more inclined to give up easily and fill the text with terrible similes.

This time, my excuses extend to completely changing practically every aspect of my life in the space of two months,  and then deciding to take part in NaNoWriMo (again) which was totally stupid, because I failed (again). But in the 20k (or so) words that I did actually manage to hammer out, I got a few good ideas which could work for the blog. And so I’ve decided to make concerted effort to blog more consistently. The quality might be a bit patchy (i.e. talking about Tamagotchi poop and apple crumble), but at least it will be something. And that something might get posted more than once every two months.

If you’re someone who happens to read this blog regularly, then I guess I want to say thanks. And also, sorry for being really bad at updating.

So from here on out reader(s) (and spambots trying to sell Ugg boots in my comments section) it’s all change: I’m promise to post regularly. But I honestly can’t make any promises about refraining from using terrible similes.

PS. If you’re the person who found this blog by Googling “accidentally drooled on motherboard” then please get the hell in touch – joandthenovelist[at]hotmail[dot]co[dot]uk. I’d love to hear from you.

Tagged: , , , , , , , , ,

Comments: 20

  1. WilyGuy November 28, 2011 at 2:10 pm Reply

    Jo, like Thanksgiving, your posts, though less frequent than we pumpkin pie eaters would like, are entertaining and we gluttonously gorge ourselves. We may even come back to re-read the leftovers, gleaning what we can the second time. (15 yard penalty for excessive comma-ing) Some (accidentally drooled on motherboard) are clearly licking the pan clean of your writing.

    I have linked your blog on mine and am sure my readers are as excited to see a new post as I am.

    Simile and Metaphor aside, your writing is awesome and creative and we look forward to more.

    To buy your UGG boots, click here

    • Jo and the Novelist November 28, 2011 at 11:13 pm Reply

      You see, I came down pretty bad on those spam comments, because the whole UGG boot thing was getting seriously out of control. Now, by you merely *mentioning* UGG boots – your comment went directly to the spam bin. Desperate for a comment, I went prowling through the spam bin and there was your comment – with my name at the top and everything. Awesome. Thanks so much for the comment – I promise to be more regular with my posts from now on. Brownies honour…

  2. WilyGuy November 28, 2011 at 11:38 pm Reply

    That’s what I get for my extra helping of snarky…

    • Jo and the Novelist November 29, 2011 at 3:49 pm Reply

      I’ll take some snarky for dessert.

  3. Steven Chapman November 29, 2011 at 1:44 am Reply

    SEE! It is reader(s) without having to add those pesky brackets!

    Two is most definitely plural!

    If anything you make people smile with the ranty venty (that sounds like a coffee size at Starbucks…a ranty venty mocha please!), albeit sporadic, posts! Keep up the randomness, or I’ll fill your giraffe full of jelly and power cords…

    • Steven Chapman November 29, 2011 at 1:45 am Reply

      Fail, because I put a ‘funny’ email address it killed my gravatar!

      • Jo and the Novelist November 29, 2011 at 3:51 pm Reply

        You still appear as Steven Chapman, despite the ridiculous giraffe based email address…

    • Jo and the Novelist November 29, 2011 at 3:50 pm Reply

      Would you like cream on your ranty, venty mocha?

      Make me want to open some kind of angry coffee house…

      • Steven Chapman December 1, 2011 at 11:47 am Reply

        Would you have to swear when you ordered in the angry coffee house? Or is that the barista’s job?

        “Here’s you fucking coffee, bitch, and your motherfucking change!!”

        *throws coins in face*

  4. Rik November 29, 2011 at 1:24 pm Reply

    If nothing else, you can draw one hell of a pile of tamagotchi poo.

    • Jo and the Novelist November 29, 2011 at 3:51 pm Reply

      That took me a really long time to draw – I’m glad you appreciate it…

      • Steven Chapman December 1, 2011 at 11:45 am Reply

        THAT took you a really long time to draw…

        I mean wow, what an amazing pile of pixelated poop, you are a woman of many artistic talents.

  5. No Drama Mama November 29, 2011 at 4:38 pm Reply

    More than happy to help your stats jump through the roof! You probably have at least 10 views now. And, hey, I’m not even drooling!

    • Jo and the Novelist November 29, 2011 at 11:16 pm Reply

      Huzzah! Thanks for the comment, and keeping your saliva to yourself…

  6. The Suniverse (@TheSuniverse) November 29, 2011 at 4:39 pm Reply

    Hooray for coming back to the Internet.

    It is exhausting. And draining. And wholly ridiculous but wonderful because if not for the Internet and your fabulous blog, where would I feel inadequate about my imaginary stats? And see Tamogatchi poo?


    I miss you every day.

    • Jo and the Novelist November 29, 2011 at 11:18 pm Reply

      I miss you too. We can imagine stats together. Make our own ridiculous graphs and pie charts and power points about how awesome we are and then post them all over the internet. Fool proof plan.

  7. alonewithcats November 29, 2011 at 11:33 pm Reply

    You’re the Amy Poehler to my Tina Fey. I’ve missed you so. Apocalypse buddies 4 life.

    In regard to blogging and dieting and apple crumbles that are actually chewy … Being a ninja is hard work, and I am definitely too lazy for that. I also drink sometimes and have sex about once a year. You’re probably not allowed to be a ninja if you booze and sex it up. Being a ninja is probably a lot like being a nun. Nobody wants to be a nun. Except those ladies who want to marry Jesus or whatever. So maybe set the bar a little lower than ninja? You could be the karate kid of blogging. Without the karate.

    • Jo and the Novelist November 30, 2011 at 11:00 am Reply

      Oh my Tina Fey counter-part, I’ve missed your comments…

      Yes. Being a ninja at anything has proved difficult, and a bit too much like hard work. Nuns are most probably a lot like ninjas. In fact, they probably *are* ninjas – think about it, they both wear crazy black outfits… er… and that’s all the similarities I have. But that’s not to say they definitely aren’t ninjas. What I’m saying is, nuns could be ninjas. We just don’t know, because we’ve never asked.

      The karate kid of blogging – I love it: Wax on, wax off…

    • Steven Chapman December 1, 2011 at 11:49 am Reply

      I think you are allowed sex if you’re a ninja but only if you get in and out without the other person noticing…obviously some preclusive agreement has to be signed – otherwise it’s just ninjape.

  8. Vicky December 8, 2011 at 11:30 pm Reply

    I think it’s like the chewy crumbles personally. You start and think it’s going to be all crunchy and crumbly just to find out that it’s so chewy it’s going to take your crown off, or suck the very life out of you and the next thing you know you’ve been in front of the computer for hours on end. I’ve been enjoying your posts and hope you continue.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *