Recently, I’ve been feeling like a total charlatan with this blog. I call myself a blogger, I tell people I have a website but actually all I have is a string of infrequent updates and an excessive posts about how picky I am when purchasing a new notebook.
I realise that this happens from time to time; I disappear without a trace and then come back with an apology and a long post about whatever and expect people to read it and for my stats to jump through the roof.
But that doesn’t happen, because in order for your stats to be through the roof, you need to keep up with the internet. The internet is an Olympic runner, and I’m someone who hopes to keep up by running flat out on a treadmill in the gym once a month, and then spending the next three weeks recovering.
Blogging is just like dieting and exercising and anything else really… Breathing – there’s another example. In order to do something well, you need to start by doing it consistently: To diet you need to eat well, every day; to be gym ninja you need to work out at least five times a week; in order to live, you need to breathe all day and all night. Actually, that last one doesn’t really work in this whole simile thing I’ve got going on here. It’s like I’m suggesting blogging is the same as breathing, which I’m not. Blogging is almost nothing like breathing, at all.
Thinking about it, I’m also kind of suggesting that blogging is like dieting or exercising. It’s not like either of those. I’m not really sure where I got the idea for this simile from, but I’m beginning to feel like it’s crumbling around me like… something that crumbles really easily – like apple crumble – that crumbles pretty easily, and is also delicious.
Actually, apple crumble, despite the misleading name, is really not all that crumbly. It just has a crumbly topping. And sometimes that topping is chewy rather than crumbly. In which case, this simile works less well than saying that my original simile is crumbling around me like apple crumble. Because I’m not sure a simile can be chewy.
Okay, I’m giving up on similes because this is becoming a disaster.
And now I’ve pretty much forgotten what the hell I was talking about initially, because I was all “Mmm apple crumble is delicious, but not as a simile…”
Okay, yes. Blogging. Which, while not really similar to dieting or exercise by nature, it does operate on the same principle in that in order to be successful at blogging (or dieting, or exercising) you have to do it consistently.
Actually, blogging is a lot like those Tamagotchi things. Remember those? They were like tiny little virtual pixelated creatures that you had to look after and ‘keep alive’. If you kept forgetting to feed them or play with them or clean up their massive piles of pixelated poop they would die.
Mine died. Because I played with it endlessly for about a day and then got bored and didn’t feed it or play with it and allowed it to live amongst the poop for too long. This is pretty much my mantra for life: Something is super-exciting for about ten minutes, and then it becomes annoying and boring and generally seem like too much effort to actually bother with. And then I pretty much start resenting it. Then I come back to it weeks/months/years later, forgetting all the hate and resentment and wondering why it’s no longer as brilliant and fun as it was to begin with (in the case of the Tamagotchi, because it was dead).
I’m sure I quit similes a few paragraphs back because I decided I was terrible at using them, and yet here I am again going off on a whopping digression comparing my entire life with how I treated my Tamagotchi.
I always have a thousand TOTALLY VALID excuses for skipping out on the internets for a while. But then coming back to blogging is like starting a new diet or a new exercise regime (seriously, stop with the similes) all over again. What I’m saying is, the weeks off from the internets/diet/gym undo all the hard work put in so far. Essentially, I start back at the beginning again.
And I’m a bit sick of starting back at the beginning again. Because when I’m back at the beginning and faced with the challenge of writing a post and pleading people to read it, I’m more inclined to give up easily and fill the text with terrible similes.
This time, my excuses extend to completely changing practically every aspect of my life in the space of two months, and then deciding to take part in NaNoWriMo (again) which was totally stupid, because I failed (again). But in the 20k (or so) words that I did actually manage to hammer out, I got a few good ideas which could work for the blog. And so I’ve decided to make concerted effort to blog more consistently. The quality might be a bit patchy (i.e. talking about Tamagotchi poop and apple crumble), but at least it will be something. And that something might get posted more than once every two months.
If you’re someone who happens to read this blog regularly, then I guess I want to say thanks. And also, sorry for being really bad at updating.
So from here on out reader(s) (and spambots trying to sell Ugg boots in my comments section) it’s all change: I’m promise to post regularly. But I honestly can’t make any promises about refraining from using terrible similes.
PS. If you’re the person who found this blog by Googling “accidentally drooled on motherboard” then please get the hell in touch – joandthenovelist[at]hotmail[dot]co[dot]uk. I’d love to hear from you.