The Blog Post I Never Posted (and other stories)…

Before you go wondering whether I’ve fallen off the edge of the planet (again), allow me to reel off some excuses explain why I’m a little late with this post.

Okay, I actually did write a blog post three weeks ago. It’s just that I never posted it. I couldn’t really bring myself to post it because it was… well… quite depressing. I redrafted it several times, each time trying desperately to make it sound a little more chipper. And each time I thought that it was finished I’d tell myself to sleep on it and review it again in the morning before I published it. The next morning I’d wake up and start the editing process all over again. This went on for days and eventually I realised that I just couldn’t bring myself to publish it.

The post was about the fact I was consistently worrying about my future. I was worrying about being a writer, why I wanted to be a writer and if I’d ever really be one. I also wrote about how much I was worried that people saw me as deluded – and how sometimes I felt like there was some sort of judgemental crowd regarding my writer-aspirations as ‘something I should get over’ and that I should grow-up and get a proper job.

In my post, I suggested that in order to combat such worries of being deluded, aspiring writers should join together in some sort of support group. It would be Alcoholics Anonymous meets The Book Group – but with more tea and biscuits. And we would wear badges like this:

hellomynameisjo

Anyway, not to completely launch into this whole debate all over again (and rewrite my original post for the 9 billionth time), but the reason I didn’t publish the post was because it was becoming a snowballing issue, and while it helped to write about it, I don’t think that the internet is the right place to broadcast feelings on an existential crisis (but it might make a very good book). I like to blog about my neurotic ways, and the embarrassing situations I get myself into on a fairly regular basis – but I couldn’t bring myself to confess all the anxieties I have about my future. That kind of chat is reserved for unsuspecting close friends after a few Mojitos.

So, basically what I’m saying is, by not publishing my post I saved you 5-10 minutes of your precious time. You’re welcome.

Realising the overly serious tone of my blog post of existential crisis (which I never actually published), I decided that (if I did publish it) I should maybe follow it up with something a little more light-hearted. So I considered writing a post detailing how much I cheated on my Primal diet – which involved scoffing a sausage and egg McMuffin, some sort of artisan luxury French chocolate gateaux and a pizza (or two). Sadly, I never got around to drafting it and since having the idea I’ve been on a jaunt to Spain and eaten my way through Easter. This means that previous diet cheats are comparatively insignificant. If you’re still curious as to how much I cheated on my Primal diet, then simply consult the following mathematical equation:

Lots

The day before I left for Spain, I was chatted up. Twice. In the same day. This was very strange for me, because I’ve never, ever been chatted up before. By anyone. Ever. This is because I have spent  my life, in equal parts, being every girl’s ‘unattractive best friend’ and a total social recluse.

What happened? Well, it was a sunny afternoon and I had decided to spend the afternoon in town reading. A folded piece of paper was slid across the bench in my direction. ‘For you’ said man’s voice. I quickly discarded my initial thoughts that God was addressing me, and looked up to see a man scurry (with impressive speed) from the bench in the opposite direction. I unfolded the note:

u r beautiful

Underneath was (presumably) his phone number.

I was about 9% flattered and 91% amused. The flattery stems from the fact that I’ve never been called beautiful before. Certainly not on paper. To put this in context, here’s a list of other things I have been called:

About an hour later, a boy (I don’t think he could have been older than 17) sat next to me and almost immediately struck up a conversation that went something like this:

Boy: What are you reading?

Me: Stuff.

Boy: Oh.

Pause.

Boy: Are you a student here?

Me: Not exactly.

Pause.

Boy: What do you do then?

Me: I want to be a writer.

Boy: Oh. Is that something you’re… passionate about?

Me: Er… Yeah.

Pause.

Boy: YOU’RE VERY PRETTY!

Pause.

Me: Er. Thanks.

Boy: [Laughs Nervously/Manically]

Long Pause.

Boy: I can leave you alone if you want?

Me: [shrug] It’s fine. – I didn’t have the heart to say ‘Yes, please go away…

Boy: Sooooooo…. Can I er, see you again?

Startled, I shook my head and in a slightly more frantic manner than intended blurted NO! Then modifying it to a more polite ‘No, thank you,’ before realising that didn’t really make any sense. Then the boy laughed nervously again. Then he scurried away in the same direction as the last one.

Then I decided to do the rest of my reading at home.

In other news, Smoking Guy has had a haircut and developed a cough. We have still not conversed. Also, someone recently found my blog by Googling “professional smoking job”. Seriously, is that a real thing?

Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Comments: 14

  1. Steven Chapman April 13, 2012 at 5:16 pm Reply

    And there’s me thinking you’d gone off to India to find yourself, or the moon to find cheese… I prefer the moon image because let’s face it space helmets are hilarious.

    Panicking about posting? That’s what you get for having an inner filter, just post without thinking (or redrafting) like I do! It’s much more liberating and when you offend people you end up with more comments. Win!

    You’re not deluded – delusional maybe – but not about writing. Who gives a shit what other people think? Are any of the people that are judging you multi-millionaires or celebrities? Ok, not everyone’s dream but I bet they have dreams they haven’t accomplished yet – that’s probably why they judge others. It distracts them from looking at their own failed goals.

    As for growing up? Pffft, screw that. I’ve had a few mini ‘panics’ over the past few weeks that I’m almost 28 and I still feel like a child…doesn’t help that everyone around me seems to be doing so well with everything else. But if you listen hard enough then you can hear people moaning just as much as we do about how crap they think their lives are. At least you’re only ‘behind’ because you’re reaching for your goals. They think they’re behind and they don’t have any goals! Yeesh!

    Can this writing group be the opposite of AA? Alcoholics always? Something like that. Oh, and can my name badge say Hello My Name is: Please don’t talk to me”?

    Word, nerd.

    • Jo and the Novelist April 22, 2012 at 4:19 pm Reply

      I actually can’t decide whether I’d rather go to India to find myself, or the moon to find cheese. Something tells me the latter would be the safer option. Let’s face it, I’d get lost in India.

      PS. You’re *almost* 28… Some of us already got there… RECENTLY.

  2. Fraz April 14, 2012 at 4:03 am Reply

    Hello. Just stopping by with some decrees. (Or opinions, if you want… but really, the world would work a lot better if everyone just got on board with my thinking.)

    1. Things you are allowed to call yourself:
    Jo
    A writer
    (Unnecessarily) insecure
    Generally awesome

    2. Things you are NOT allowed to call yourself:
    Successful at the Primal diet
    Deluded
    Not beautiful

    Carry on.

    • Jo and the Novelist April 22, 2012 at 4:25 pm Reply

      That last one’s a double negative and caused my head to implode.

      Yet, I’m flattered (in my usual awkward way) all the same.

      • Fraz April 22, 2012 at 8:33 pm Reply

        I felt the double negative was important in getting the point across. It’s not just that you’re allowed to call yourself beautiful, it’s that you’re *not* allowed to say that you *aren’t*.

        Yeah, I saw a little bit of your head wasn’t done imploding, so I thought I’d finish the job, apparently.

        Oh, if we’re doing awkward, I’ll pile some on too: I was conflicted about posting that because back in the day, I had a wee bit of a crush on you and was paranoid that you knew this and would now think it was still the case, then decide I was some insane, oddly-determined stalker. I eventually decided it was OK to post because a) it’s been a long time; b) I’m happily married; c) I’m many thousands of miles away; and d) we aren’t in high school any more (thank god).

        See? I WIN THE AWKWARD COMPETITION.

  3. The Suniverse (@TheSuniverse) April 14, 2012 at 4:12 pm Reply

    I am 43 and still feel like I need to grow up at some point. I think there are some people who just are delightfully childlike. We are they.

    Also, don’t filter yourself. Good god, how many existential angsty posts have I continued to post with alarming regularity [hmmm . . . every 4 weeks or so . . . I wonder if there is a pattern]?

    I just like to read your stuff. Because I like you.

    PS I WOULD TOTALLY CHAT YOU UP, partly because you are awesome, partly because I love that phrase.

    • Jo and the Novelist April 22, 2012 at 4:29 pm Reply

      Whenever I write an existential, angsty post, I feel like I’m writing a help letter to the internet. Like praying to God only… Er. Praying to the internet??? No. That’s not right. Let me try that again.

      I like to read your stuff too. So maybe we should just both chill the hell out?! If we were neighbours, that would be easily possible. Just sayin’.

  4. alonewithcats April 16, 2012 at 2:13 am Reply

    You were chatted up twice! In one day! That’s 200 percent more than I’ve been chatted up in about 11,500 days. (I used the calculator on my phone to come up with that figure. It’s most likely wrong.)

    • Jo and the Novelist April 22, 2012 at 4:31 pm Reply

      I’m shit at maths, so as soon as I see or hear anything about numbers, I seem to stop understanding.

      PS. You are BeaTiFul (does that help?)

  5. Lestari April 22, 2012 at 11:08 am Reply

    I found your site searching for the possibility of the Primal diet curing my diet. I was in a funk all day and this blog entry cheered me up. Well technically I’m still under the covers and half of me is still blue but reading your stuff makes me want to get up. Thank you.

    • Jo and the Novelist April 22, 2012 at 4:34 pm Reply

      Well, your comment just pretty much made my day – so thanks! I’ve tried various diets and what not to help me cheer the hell up, but my problem is that I enjoy eating way too much. Primal diet went out the window this weekend as I may have consumed one (or more) of the following:
      Krispy Kreme doughnuts
      Pizza
      Pitta bread
      Crisps
      Chocolate
      Haagen Dazs
      Meatball sandwiches

  6. Lestari April 22, 2012 at 11:09 am Reply

    Oops. I meant curing my depression. Oy.

  7. thedoseofreality April 22, 2012 at 4:48 pm Reply

    I hope you carry that piece of paper around with you forever. I totally would. Love this post, by the way! :)
    http://www.thedoseofreality.com/2012/04/17/you-want-a-real-mommy-war/

    • Jo and the Novelist April 22, 2012 at 4:55 pm Reply

      I have to confess that it’s actually still sitting in my scanner from last week. But thanks. Equally, I love your comment! :)

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *