I Need a Slanket…

If you’re unfortunate enough to follow me on Twitter or be a fan of this blog on Facebook, you’ll know that I’ve whinged (somewhat endlessly) about my new found desire for a Slanket. That’s right, a Slanket – the ingeniously named blanket… with sleeves. I don’t know who invented the Slanket (some dude called Gary, apparently) but the Slanket was a genius creation, and I’m loathed not to have one of my own.

This is what you told me:

I have a cheaper version which generates a crazy amount of static, so I can’t use it when I’m working on my laptop. Which kind of negates the point of having it. – @Radshef

I really like it, it’s all snug and warm. – @lizigree

I wear mine and pretend to be a wizard. – Emmarrrr

I have one and it’s amazing, use it all the time. Get one. – Jo

We got one for my dad. He LOVES it. – @TheSuniverse

It’s all about the slanket! I sometimes double-duvet in mine for extra cosy comfort. – @jane_bradley

I have one and I love it – keeps you so cosy even when reaching for the remote/writing etc. – @ttofee

You NEED a slanket. – @samkayk

I own a massive hoodie. That may be the closest to a slanket I can get within the constraints of manliness. – @NickMB

In the interests of cosiness and snuggliness, I need a Slanket.

There comes a point in the evening (usually on Pizza Fridays*) where the wearing of regular clothes to loaf about on the sofa digesting a meat-feast pizza and watching films, becomes restricting and generally uncomfortable. So a swift change into something with an elastic waistband – my infamous pink cake pyjamas or jogger bottoms (that to this day have never been worn for the purpose of jogging) – usually does the trick. And while the comfort issue is tackled, the cosy issue is not. Our lounge is the coldest room in the house. In fact, that’s an understatement – it is permanently cold in that room. No matter what time of year, the cosiness factor of the lounge is seriously lacking. After eating pizza, I like to be able to assume the foetal position, snuggle up while I devour vast amounts of chocolate and watch terrible sci-fi films.

*Pizza Fridays – Friday night is spent eating pizza and watching films. Sometimes Pizza Friday accidentally spills into the rest of the weekend and I have Pizza Saturday and Pizza Sunday too. This is followed by Regret Monday and Exercise Tuesday.

This is where a Slanket would complete my evening of slobbing out in true style comfort.

Sadly, due to unemployment tuition fees inherent laziness circumstances beyond my control, I am unable to afford such luxuries. So I have improvise, using a blue Ikea throw.

The Slanket boasts two features which an Ikea throw does not:

1. The Slanket is made of warm, fleecy cosiness crafted by unicorns from the clouds of comfort land.

Unicorn

An Ikea throw is not. Ikea throw is made from coarse fabric woven together by Satan. The Ikea throw is not warm, comfy or cosy. This is largely due to the fact that the Ikea throw’s purpose is either to be thrown over ugly furniture in an attempt to disguise its hideousness or tossed onto beds with some cushions to make a bedroom look stylish. It is not to be thrown over a person who is still digesting pizza while curled up on the sofa watching films.

2. The Slanket has sleeves, enabling the wearer full use of  their arms (such as reaching for the remote, eating ice-cream from the tub) whilst retaining warm feelings of super-cosiness.

Jo in a Slanket

My friend (also called Jo) kindly agreed to demonstrate her Slanket for the purpose of this blog post. Thanks Jo.

Ikea Throw does not have sleeves. Ikea throw restricts all arm movement, and therefore makes the spooning of large amounts of ice-cream into mouth and reaching for the remote difficult and usually results in entanglement.

Aside from these two main points, I have discovered that ‘wearing’ an Ikea throw has also thrown up a shed-load of other difficulties:

Ikea Throw does not satisfactorily keep all body parts warm and cosy.

It is impossible to successfully ascend a staircase whilst ‘wearing’ an Ikea Throw.

Wearing an Ikea Throw to the toilet is both a logistical nightmare and really unhygienic.

Ikea Throw does not aid the act of typing.

Ikea Throw does not create convincing illusion of being a wizard or evil-overlord.

Ikea Throw is not waterproof, and therefore cannot be worn outside when it is raining.*

*To be fair, neither is a Slanket – but that’s something they should definitely consider.

In conclusion, I definitely need a Slanket. The only downside being that it might cause my legs to spontaneously combust if I wear it whilst using a laptop. But that’s a risk I’m willing to take.

Incidentally, this post was in no way endorsed by the creators of the Slanket, or the Unicorns of Comfort-Land. However, if you’re reading this and you work for The Slanket Company The Slanketeers Slanket I think it’s only right that you send me a free Slanket for pimping your product.

PS. I’d like the one with Dinosaurs on it, please.

Also, I know it seems like I’ve given my Ikea throw a pretty bad review, so with that in mind it’s worth pointing out that as a throw it is fully functional and satisfactorily hides ugly furniture and makes my bedroom look stylish (when I’m not attempting to wear it).

Tagged: , , , , , , ,

Comments: 15

  1. Sam K May 30, 2012 at 11:39 am Reply

    I would also like to point out that when worn like a dressing gown, ie. backwards, the slanket makes you feel like you are wearing a royal cape type thing, especially when walking up stairs….add a paper crown and you feel like the queen. Just another benefit of owning a slanket x

    • Jo and the Novelist May 30, 2012 at 1:15 pm Reply

      The list is endless! Nothing makes you feel better than pretending to be royalty/a wizard/Darth Vader whilst having the added bonus of snuggley warm comfort times. Oh Slanket. You are the greatest creation.

  2. Steven Chapman May 30, 2012 at 1:16 pm Reply

    You had me at “pretend to be a wizard”.

    And I had no idea you could get dinosaur ones! WIN!

    • Jo and the Novelist May 31, 2012 at 9:20 am Reply

      Technically they’re for children. But, y’know, I’ve got parents, I’m their child… I qualify.

  3. Suniverse May 30, 2012 at 3:17 pm Reply

    I will steal my dad’s and color dinosaurs on it and send it to you.

    Also, maybe your lounge is cold all the time because a ghost is in there. I’ve been watching Supernatural and ghosts make things cold, but you can get rid of them by shooting them with salt. It’s true. I saw it on the tv.

    • Jo and the Novelist May 31, 2012 at 9:24 am Reply

      I’ve cross-referenced it on Wikipedia… Definitely true. Who am I gonna call? etc.

  4. Nick MB May 30, 2012 at 4:39 pm Reply

    Since making said Twitter comment, I have remembered the existence of kigus which enable me to both be comfy and pretend to be an animal. It’s a close call.

    • Jo and the Novelist May 31, 2012 at 9:28 am Reply

      YOU HAVE AN ANIMAL ONESIE?! Nick, really. I can’t believe you would keep this from me. This changes everything… Next blog post: Why I Need a Onesie (It’s All Nick’s Fault)…

  5. alonewithcats May 31, 2012 at 9:56 pm Reply

    I will PayPal the money to you for purchase of one (1) Slanket with dinosaur pattern. You’ve convinced me. I’m the Richard Gere and you are the Julia Roberts in this “Pretty Woman” fairy tale. Except instead of pulling up to your apartment in a limo and climbing the fire escape with a rose between my teeth to rescue you from a life of prostitution, I am going to save you with a Slanket. Which probably would have made for a better ending, anyway. Julia Roberts is thin, you know? She probably gets cold easily.

    • Jo and the Novelist June 6, 2012 at 10:12 am Reply

      Richard Gere saving Julia Roberts from her life of prostitution using only a dinosaur slanket, would have made for a much better ending. And okay, she lives in Beverly Hills which is supposedly sunny and warm almost all the time, but if she sloped off back to New York with squnity Gere she would most definitely need a Slanket. If you’re reading this, rich producer from Hollywood, you should get in touch. We have an amazing alternative ending to Pretty Woman.

  6. Vicky June 1, 2012 at 12:53 am Reply

    What you really need to do is decide if you truly want a Slanket or a different type of blanket with sleeves… the possibilities are endless. Go for the Snuggie, it’s $5 on Amazon.

    • Jo and the Novelist June 6, 2012 at 10:14 am Reply

      Okay, so is a Snuggie some kind of budget Slanket? Would I be missing out on quality? Is the static electricity going to cause me to spontaneously combust while I’m cosying up? I need answers. Maybe I’ll conduct some kind of mystery shopper style survey.

  7. Simone June 1, 2012 at 5:54 am Reply

    i will get you that slanket, and a matching one for me. we can be slanket twins. none of my jeans fit anymore so this will be perfect!

    email me your details!

    • Jo and the Novelist June 6, 2012 at 10:16 am Reply

      Yet another plus to the joys of Slankets… You can replace wearing actual clothes with wearing a Slanket. Genius!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *