And Then I Ate a Snickers Bar…

This isn’t really a blog post, this is just a confession of my recent weird behaviour.

So, I don’t really know how to say this but… this week I got addicted to eating Snickers bars. I have eaten one or more Snickers bars every day since Saturday. I can’t explain why this has happened to me, I can only describe the events leading up to this realisation.*

*This post is in no way endorsed by Snickers (but it totally should be).

Saturday

I was rushing around being busy and important and had to make a speedy trip to the supermarket to pick up some food for dinner. I also bought a pack of four Snickers bars – on a whim. They were on special offer. And it wasn’t as if I was going to eat all of them in one go.

I ate one Snickers bar at lunchtime. It was delicious. It made me wonder why I didn’t eat Snickers bars more often – they were so chocolatey and peanuty and full of that other thing which is also delicious.

Later, I was reviewing a punk gig (I know, it makes me sound 3000 times cooler than I actually am) and when I returned home four hours later, I was starving. So I ate another Snickers bar.

So far, so harmless.

Sunday

I had loads to do – like  writing, and sleeping in and combatting yet another mountain of laundry that had accumulated since my Singstar epiphany a few weeks ago.

At some point in the afternoon, I took a little writing break and decided that I needed a little pick-me-up. I figured that seeing as I enjoyed my Snickers bars so much yesterday, maybe I’d go out and buy another. So I did. And I ate it. And then I promised myself that tomorrow, I would do exercise.

Monday

I didn’t do any exercise. But I did go on a long mission to buy a mattress which was fun! And horrible. Mattress shopping is fun because you’re actually allowed to lie on the beds they have in the shop. They give you pillows and everything (I know, it’s sad that I didn’t know that). The horrible part is that you are followed around by a needy sales assistant for the entire duration of your shopping trip. To make things worse, that sales assistant constantly talks to you about springs and memory foam and other mattress-related chat.

Mattress shopping takes a long time. Way longer than I expected. Like, five hours longer. So when I eventually got home, I ate a Snickers bar. By this point my brain seemed to be following this simple logic:

Snickers equation

 

Tuesday

I made lots of notes about the new novel I’m writing , which was both exciting and productive. I later discovered that I couldn’t understand any of my notes because, apparently, I can’t read my own handwriting.

Then I ate two Snickers bars. One after the other. I didn’t even feel that bad about it.

Then someone from my gym called me and asked, in what I perceived to be a pretty judgemental tone, why I had stopped attending the gym. My gym have never called me before. I can only assume that they’ve been monitoring my intake of chocolate, and when it recently went off the scale, I triggered some sort of alarm alerting the staff to call me and guilt me into going back.

Wednesday

I woke up thinking about Snickers bars and told myself I really needed to get a grip and stop eating them every single day.

I decided to keep busy – I organised my entire life into various Excel spreadsheets, I cleaned the house, tidied my desk, vacuumed everything and then wiped every possible surface with anti-bacterial wipes.

And when I was done, I went to the shop and bought a Snickers bar.

Thursday

I went to the supermarket and bought more Snickers bars. I ate two and started to feel sick.

Later, I tried to put my phone on charge and when I looked down I discovered that I was actually trying to connect a half-eaten Snickers bar to a USB cable.

It would appear that I have developed a bizarre addiction that is slowly taking over my life. And so today I staged an intervention with myself. I was resistant at first. Then I presented myself with the following scientific graph to show how my Snickers intake had gone from zero to excessive in a very short space of time:

Snickers graph

You can’t deny science. And this is most definitely science and not a graph I made using MS Paint.

So I admitted I have a problem, and tomorrow I’m going to go cold turkey. I have given the rest of my Snickers bars away and I have hidden my house keys and cash, preventing me from leaving the house to buy more. 

Tomorrow will be a dark day.

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Comments: 10

  1. Frosty C June 29, 2012 at 1:39 pm Reply

    I believe Diet Coke = happiness. However Diet Coke withdrawal = snarling rage monster. Maybe wean yourself off gradually to avoid causing any unnecessary casual violence (not to be mistaken for the necessary kind of casual violence).

    • Jo and the Novelist June 29, 2012 at 3:07 pm Reply

      I think weaning myself off would mean buying a Snickers bar, and then chopping it into little pieces so that I could just have a little every day instead of FOUR WHOLE BARS.

      But let’s face it – I’d probably just eat the lot and then go out to buy more :(

  2. Suniverse June 29, 2012 at 5:38 pm Reply

    I do that with these unfairly delicious sea salt pita crisps. They are so good I can’t have them in the house when I’m home, because I just snarf them up, one after the other and then my whole body puckers from being dehydrated.

    They’re fucking delicious.

    • Jo and the Novelist June 30, 2012 at 12:21 am Reply

      I don’t even know what those are, but I feel like I should eat some. I beginning to feel like my treats should be heavily monitored because really, I have no willpower.

  3. Simone June 29, 2012 at 5:57 pm Reply

    last night i watched my friends kids (really, i’m like their older sister who lets them do whatever), anyway, they had BAGS of candy and i couldn’t STOP eating it. i STOLE the last bite-size snickers from a 10 year old. also, i farted this morning and it smelled like sugar. :)

    • Jo and the Novelist June 30, 2012 at 12:24 am Reply

      Kids have the rest of their lives to eat sweets. As adults we can be authoratitive and demand children give us their sweets.

      Sometimes I drink so much coffee, my pee smells like Starbucks. You heard it hear first.

  4. Rik July 3, 2012 at 10:42 pm Reply

    So, er, how many boxes of bars did Mars send you for mentioning them on Twitter? Are Snickers UK following you now?

    • Jo and the Novelist July 4, 2012 at 12:02 pm Reply

      Snickers UK are following me on Twitter but I’m sad to report that I received no (0) free Snickers bars as a result of this blog post. I mean, I didn’t write it to get free stuff – I have integrity and all that, but you’d think I least a pack of four (or even one of those funsize bags) might have been sent as a “Thank you for your excellent blog post about our great chocolatey snacks”. But sadly, no.

  5. Rik July 4, 2012 at 2:26 pm Reply

    I think if you say you love a product or service, unprompted, and they notice, they should send you something free to say thank you.

    Although if you subsequently mention that product again then you’re a dirty sell-out. Or something like that…

    • Jo and the Novelist July 4, 2012 at 5:06 pm Reply

      Agreed. This post might have inspired at least three or four people to go out and by a Snickers bar.

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